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Saturday, October 1st, 2011
6:32 pm - Where I am
It has been four years since I have posted here. And yet it feels like time has stood still. I am in school, working toward finishing my Architectural degree. I love it, even though it is a lot of hard work. I am sick at the moment, so my motivation is stunted. I have a crap ton of homework to get done, but do not seem to have the energy to do it. Now I will simply put it out there, if Anyone that I used to know in here sees this, please stop and say hello. I need to re-connect to all the people that I once or still know. Hello, I love you, won't you tell me your name?

current mood: sleepy

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Wednesday, August 29th, 2007
1:47 pm - The world is dangerous place
This is a letter that I wrote to a friend that I have not seen in more than a year. She is living the life I want........here is her reply to an E-mail I sent her...

Hi Scott,

I don't check this email often, but it was a nice surprise to see a
note from you. I'm doing alright. At the beginning of the year I
left Austin and went traveling for a few months in Costa Rica-an
amazing experience. I spent a month in a little town in the mountains
studying spanish and teaching english. Then I wandered around the
pacific coast. I stayed at an awesome yoga place for a few weeks and
then I went on to some other towns to practice surfing. Then I moved
to NYC where I am living now and working at a nonprofit. It has its
good and bad points, but I am happy to be having the adventure of
living in New York, as it's something I've always wanted to try. And
I am finally venturing outside of the world of coffee for work. I
can't say I'm too happy with a long commute (living in Brooklyn,
working in Manhattan) and a 45 hour work week and total lack of
flexibility for about the same amount of money I was making at the
coffee shop in Austin, but it is a nice change of pace to not be on my
feet all day and to actually have to use my brain for my work and to
feel like maybe it's helping to do some small bit of good in the
world. Anyway, how are you doing? What's new with you?

Kate


And this is my reply to her.......it says all the things that are in my heart and mind right now...or at the least the ones I am able to express...

Well. You are right. I was very delighted to hear from you as well. I read your E-mail. And I have to say given my current situation, I envy you very much. You are doing all the things I have until this point in life, only dreamed of doing. I love the fact that you seem to be following your heart, and going where that takes you. That is something I wish I had the perceived freedom to do. Your E-mail is like a short novel, with only the best details included. It helps me to know that it is possible to live the life you want.

How did you manage to travel to all of those places? Were you working for someone who funded your travel? Or did you simply go on your own? It sounds like a wild ride. Who do you work for in New York? What are you actually doing? Are supplying pencils to the world's children, or getting big oil companies out of developing countries, so that they do not ruin the natural habitats?

I work with a guy, who is about to come to the very place you are. He is a comedian, and has decided that since he has had some success here, he would like to try New York. He will be living in Brooklyn. Which if my information is correct, is kind of a hip place to live right now. Or is is still Murder Inc. there? He will be arriving next week sometime. So, you may see him in some clubs there once he is established.

As, for me, I am trying to get my life on track. The major obstacles right now are money, as always, and my mother. Money because I need to pay off my 8700 dollars worth of student loans before the University of Wisconsin Milwaukee will release any of my records. This is of course preventing me from getting back into school. I wanted to continue in pursuit of my Architectural degree. But, without my records or grades, I would have to start all over again. So, that also means that I am NOT eligible for any Federal student aid, as long as my loans are in default. I am working on finding grants or scholarships to fund my education. And in the meanwhile paying off as much as I can of my loans every week.

I am still working at Barnes and Noble. Which is depressing actually. I have been there going on 4 years now. I just recently passed up an opportunity to interview to be one of the managers, with the idea in my head that I will be moving on soon. I hope I will. I really need to.

I want to go to school and get an IT degree and possibly combine it with an MBA. However, there are currently many road blocks.

On a personal note, I am alone, and have done for almost 5 years now. Which also is depressing. I have tried, but, all the people I try to date just want to be friends, or so they say. In actuality, it just has not worked out.

I am still living in the same place, being held captive by my mother's inability to live on her own. My 4 siblings are not helping. So, it is up to me to take care of 'Mom'. I have told her that she has one year to apply for and get accepted into low income older adult housing. That was 8 months ago. And it will be another year before this new lease is up. So, one year from now, I hope to be living in my own apartment, either here or in California, Maine, Illinois or who knows, maybe even New York. I hope that by then I can work out everything, and be attending classes through Phoenix On-line. That way I can work 40 plus hours a week, and still go to class anytime it is convenient for me. Well, I shall end here. I hope to hear from you again real soon. I miss you.

~Scott




current mood: jubilant

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Tuesday, August 7th, 2007
1:01 pm - The thing is....Continued
The thing is that I am moving forward on a great many things, and yet, I feel the crush of it all. It all comes down to money. If I had the money to pay off my student loans, then I could apply and go to school at Phoenix On-line. If I had the money I could pay off the folks that Virgil owes, and I could get the car off my mind. If I had the money, I could move into my own apartment, and yet, make sure my mother can support this place. If I had the money, I could take my friend Lisa out to dinner, and not worry about how much it costs. It is after all her birthday.

I called into work and took a personal day. I felt like I need to do that. And it was fine with them, as they are trying to cut hours as it is. So, all in all it has been a good day. As, I have contacted Rawhide Boys Ranch, Great Lakes Higher Education, The Federal Student Loan office, my advisor at Phoenix On-line, Virgil’s father, Rodney, and most importantly Lisa.

I am going out to dinner tonight. I do not have the money to pay, but, I am going to do it anyway. I will just have to use what little room I have on my credit card, and then make a triple payment at the end of this week. I am moving forward, no matter what happens, I will succeed. I have to, I do not have any choice, but, to do all that I can to make my life what it needs to be. Period!!

current mood: chipper

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Sunday, August 5th, 2007
9:37 pm - The thing is.....
This is the beginning of this blog post. I have gotten so much shit done today, and it feels fucking great. I just need to continue to clean up my life, and all will be well. I loveit, yep meant to keep those words glued together. I fucking love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am on the path to putting myself back in school. And I swear before god I do not care what it takes. I am going back. I owe 5000 plus in student loans, and like so many other things in life, that is what is holding things up. But, I will find a way to make it happen. I fucking have to. I do not care if that word offends you. I need to use it right now. I want to get a MBA and an IT degree. And it looks like I could actually combine the two. So......I am just going to do it. I will do whatever it takes to make it happen. .............

current mood: pensive

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Wednesday, July 25th, 2007
12:55 pm - Something wonderful this way comes
The adventures of a foundling Architect


The adventures of a foundling Architect

Well it is Wednesday, and I was suppose to meet with the lady from Cardinal Stritch, but, I decided to forgo it because I am not sure that it would be worth the trouble. I want to get back into school, but, I think Phoenix On-line will be a better choice. So, toward that end, I am looking forward to my meeting with the counselor there, which is set for next week. I have signed a new lease, so, I will be here with my mum for at the least the next six months. I will make the best of it. And we have talked about all the issues involving paying for things that I do not use. Like when I buy 12 rolls of toilet tissue, and then they are gone within 3 days. And the thing is, I am not here enough to use one a week. So.......the fact that my mother runs out of money 6 days into the month, and then I am expected to pick up the slack, makes it all that much more maddening. I know, rant rant rant. But, fuck, if she were only my roommate I would have kicked her ass out months ago. I guess I have to get busy living, or get busy perishing. Thus my activities toward getting myself back in school, paying off all of my debt, studying, getting rid of a lot of shit, and generally getting my life in balance. I am hopped up on coffee, and will soon be venturing out into the molten summer heat, to ride to the grocery store to buy food that will invariably end up in the dogs stomach. Yeah yeah, more ranting, I know. But, again, hell, I am one of the working poor. So, any food I buy I need to feed myself with, not feed my mother's fucking dog.

On a more positive note, I am learning Japanese. It is actually a fun language to speak, and it is one I have always wanted to learn. So (phonetic)= Sumimasem, or excuse me, while I go on with this glorious day, and life. .........



~Scott


current mood: accomplished

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Sunday, July 22nd, 2007
9:47 pm - The Collective Mind, and Harry Potter
I am at the moment, part of the collective conscientiousness that is reading Harry Potter. I am only about 200 pages in, and am savoring every single morsel. I am sure that many among my co-workers have completed reading it, and I will have to contend with trying to keep from overhearing anything that I have not yet read. But, all in all it is going along at a blistering pace, and is quite an exciting read.

I sat all day in one of my favorite coffee shops , read, ate wonderful food, and drank a ton of coffee. It was a great day. I love having Sundays off. I am going to spend this week getting my life in order. I have two appointments with enrollment counselors. I will be calling the bursar at UW- Milwaukee on Tuesday, to find out what I owe, how I can pay it back, and subsequently then get my grades. It is time. ......


~Scott

current mood: lonely

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Sunday, July 15th, 2007
7:03 pm - This goes out..to all the people who need to realize how blind they are
Why are you so blind?
I think I have written on this subject before, but, I hate human beings who's lives are so very fucking small that they feel compelled to create drama and intention where none exists. I keep coming up against it, and it makes me angry. There are far too many words ...so, I will need to just say, that people need to attend to their small, uninteresting lives, and leave mine alone. I do not care how lonely they are, (for I am lonely too), I do not care what their perceptions help them to imagine, I do not care what delusions they allow themselves to be under. I value my friends, for I have few of them. So, leave me to the joy of experiencing what it is to be friends with a woman, sans romance or sex. I am capable of separating my love for someone, from being In Love with them.

It just fucking pisses me off. I hate them for their weakness, and obtuse sense of life. Yet, I have to pity them, for they are so irretrievably blind. To, you to whom this applies, both friend and foe, I pray that your vision is clear. To only you, who find yourself my friend, know that I adore you, in the most familial of senses. You are my heart, and my family.


~Scott

current mood: frustrated

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Saturday, July 14th, 2007
12:55 am - My kitty is so handsome
This is Mr. Mischief...He lives up to his name in every way. I love him beyond all reason..


SAE


current mood: awake

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Thursday, July 12th, 2007
11:40 pm - I wish, I want, I need
I wish, I want, I need. I need that most intimate of human connections. I need love, with all of it's confusion, with all of the irrational questions, all of the uncertainty, the language spoken by eyes, lips, hands, breath, and heat. I need it sans more'. The love that transcends age, rank, wealth, possession, position, knowledge, or sin. I want it, I have to fucking have it.

There can not be anything else for me. And someday soon, I will find it. She is out there, I know she is. I see her. There are, there were, many thoughts passing through my mind. And not the least of which, I find amusing. Can desire for one woman, one truth, be distilled into a single moment? If so, then our moment has passed. I tell you, in every way that I know how, that I am in love with you. You do not seem to hear me. Set me free, leave me be, I do not want to spend another moment in your Gravity. But, the thing is, I am already there. I am already sucked in by how you make me feel, the things you make me want. I want you. I simply, whole heartedly, want you. But, to you, I am, I seem to be, an annoyance, a detail. I am not important enough to make you change your plans, to help you to alter your routine.

I am tired now......



~Scott

current mood: sleepy

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Sunday, July 8th, 2007
10:04 pm - This was my day
Very little sleep. HEAT~~!!! Grocery store. Home, food, shower, riding, Willy St Co-op, Jade Mountain, ...surprise...Diane ...Yay!!! Pearls.., More HEAT!!!! Ground Zero....Intrigue,cute smile, bicycle thighs under frills, reading I Hate Hamlet, music, To DO......More HEAT!!!!.....Riding through a wasteland to East Towne.....Store, 7 shots of espresso...Lovely Kate, advice on plays....bought Romeo and Juliet..somewhat disappointed...Retrieved phone....Music, Bye...The most precious and playful kittens in the universe, which I wanted to take all of.....Food for my son Mischief....MORE HEAT!!!!....riding with heavy backpack......lovely adventure, wind, sun, air, and HEAT.....home...laundry, food to Mischief, Vodka, Roast...Just Like Heaven....clothes....Tired...This...shower...BED.





~Scott

current mood: hot

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4:21 am - The Train Leaves Today
This is just all the stupid shit I think about when I am alone, and have no one to talk to. It hurts me that so often in this life I have been in love with someone who does not love me back. I find it strange that I am at the point in my life where things that seemed like yesterday, were actually 25 years ago. I feel alive, so alive, and yet dead inside. I want so much to live, and love, be happy, and make someone else happier than they ever dreamed of being. My world, my perspective seems to be expanding, and yet staying exactly the same. I find myself attracted to women who are 15 to 20 years younger than I am. And that makes me feel like a creepy old man. Yet, I do not really feel old. I feel like just a minute ago I was in high school. I know it is not true. I see myself in the mirror, and I think how the fuck did I get so old? I want, I need, to be pulled into someone's Gravity. How soon can I go to Italy? Does the look I sometimes see in your eyes mean that you might, even for a moment, consider loving me, needing me, the way I love and need you?

I want to spend all day ...Today...on my bike, seeing the whole of the city, and visiting all of my favorite places. Will you finally look into my eyes, and know that I know, that you know, that I love and adore you? Even though I can not effectively explain why or how. It is just something in the way you move, in the way you make me feel when I am near to you, the way my breathing changes, and your very presence interrupts my thought patterns, my ability to reason, or even make sense. The shadows of you baptize me. And all I want to do is taste those lips.

What will it take to make my mother believe, see, and know, that I am leaving, in pursuit of my real life? What will it take to make sure that she is safe? I want to go back to school. I really fucking do. I need it like I need air to breathe. I want to be in that place, doing that thing, and loving every second of life. I want to see India from the top of a train, to smell the ripeness of humanity, and to know that I did not perish before the vision that has been before me, came to fruition. What is it like to hold the one and only M in one's arms? What would it be like to see those shoulders, that wonderful torso, and those spectacular breasts, bare?

I must make it my job to read a certain portion of what I must know to succeed in this quest every day. I must see nothing but the potential fulfilled, and the journey's end. I must keep my eyes on the prize. I can, I will, I must.


~Scott

current mood: hopeful

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Wednesday, July 4th, 2007
9:19 am - The Goddess and The Newborn
I am really tired of being sick now. This is like almost a week that I have had this bloody cold,and it is really starting to get me down. I hate the fact that my body is in essence, in control of what I do or not. It is now the fourth of July, my country's celebration of independence. I wonder how long we will actually celebrate this holiday? I mean it has been over two hundred years since we separated ourselves from Mother England. When will we just be the United States of America? I mean we were one of the most powerful countries on earth right? I think we shall be overcome by Canada soon though. Then we will have to fight a war to throw them out.

Will update more later...but, right now I have to .....find Lou.


Well, I found Lou, he says Hi.

I keep coming up against the same thing. I want to move out of the building that I am living in. I can not handle living here. If my 'Roommate' would move to California, that would be just fine with me. I would either find a way to pay the rent on my own, or move on. I have actually paid the rent all on my own for 3 months this year. So, I could budget, and do it again. Life, the final frontier. Everyday is suppose to be like a lifetime. And for me it sometimes is like two. I do not know what it is going to take. I guess in the end I will just have to move out. Just do it. I am not getting cooperation here. It is more like Co-dependency. And it makes me Sick. I have lived my whole life with someone hanging on to me. Their life being more important than mine. Now, it is time to break free. I see the sunshine just beyond the windows, and yet, my shades are still down. I am still allowing myself to be harnessed in darkness. Freedom is not my friend. I will have to take what is not being offered. I will have to sell everything, and fly away. Lists, I must make lists, and then follow them, no matter what.




current mood: frustrated

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Tuesday, July 3rd, 2007
1:02 pm - Little Voice- Sara Bareilles
Sara Bareilles is wonderful. Her new CD Little voice just came out today. Please, drop everything, and go and buy it right this moment. I know she would appreciate it. I would too.

So......GO NOW!!




current mood: sick

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Sunday, July 1st, 2007
8:14 pm - Nasty Cold and Flowers
Well, since Wednesday night when I went out with my friend Kate, I have had a nasty cold. I hope that I did not give it to her. On the other hand it may have been her that gave it to me. I guess we shall see. If she ends up with it by tomorrow, well, then I will know. I am currently taking Alka-seltzer Plus Cold medicine, as that is the only thing that seems to work for me. I still feel like there is HOT cotton in my throat and in my nasal passages. So much joy and happiness, I am not sure if I can stand it. I refuse to be sick though. I do not have any time to do so.

On a happier note, I was able to test out the camera on my cell phone, and took what I consider some lovely photos. But, I shall let anyone who reads this be the judge. The reviews for the phone said the camera seemed like an after thought on the part of the designers. It is a 2 mega pixel camera, which is ok, right? Anyway they say the lens is not so good. I would tend to agree. The video quality is marginal at best, and the photos are a little muddy. But, for a all in wonder, it doesn't do too bad. I guess I will just wait for the next generation, and exchange the phone, when it comes out. It does have an awesome music player though, and the reception is pretty good. So....over all I am happy with it. It allows me to document life as I go along, and then transfer the video/audio, pictures, and new songs to my PC. So, that is kind of cool.




current mood: sick

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Thursday, December 14th, 2006
9:26 am - The hope of joy in friendship
I am feeling so tired today, and I slept plenty. So, I guess it is more emotional than physical. I was realizing yesterday that I need to just make a plan, follow it through and get my life moving. I can not sit here any longer. Time is being wasted. I keep following in the same ole ruts every day, same routines. I will be forty in 4 short months. They say that life begins at 40. I guess we shall see.

I carry a kind of secret. This is something that has been making me happy for a couple of days now. I dream about it. I know it has begun. I feel it. It is time to focus on what my career needs, and leave the rest to itself. But, still the joy comes, knowing joy, bolstering my spirit, and helps me to smile from the inside out. I love it.


This photo is from 1 million years ago. And yes I know I resemble a certain elf sized entertainer formerly know as ....



current mood: optimistic

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Wednesday, November 15th, 2006
2:45 pm - The woman demands payment for my soul
It is a gray day here. And in some ways that is beautiful to me, and in others, it is of course depressing, and makes me want to just crawl into bed and go back to sleep. Conversely it also makes me want to get in a vehicle and drive, and drive and drive some more. I think, I dream, I rationalize, and I plan. Same bullshit different day. Same stupid sad story. Tomorrow is not today. Today is a new chance at a new lifetime. So, best get busy living, or get busy dying....


Edit: What is above is what I wrote yesterday. And again today it is a cloudy day. Yet, as the days pass, my vision is clearer. The restlessness I feel does not have a name. It is an ambition, a journey, as yet to be taken, it is life springing up in me, screaming to break free. Sometimes I think I have gone over the edge, far down into insanity. And then I look around and listen too. What I see, is that all of humanity is operating in some form of their own reality. Where normal, sane, average, and rational reality exists, I just am not sure. I say this of course, because perspective and perception are indeed everything. What is real is so subjective.

I do know that the passion that I feel is very real. I do know that the loneliness I feel is very real. I also know that my hunger to learn new languages and to visit new places is growling to be recognized, and can not wait one more second to be satiated. I look around me and I see the same scenery, the same faces come into view. I need a new set, upon which to act out this play of life. I crave new faces and different souls. I believe it really is never too late to become what you might have been. Now is my time. Now is that season of my life. Desire demands action.

I am feeling sick today. My stomach hurts, my muscles ache continually, and I feel a melancholy spirit rapping on the door of the house that contains my soul, demanding her place in my conscience experience. I can not, must not, will not, let her in. And yet, sometimes she is the most powerful of muses who possess me. She allows me to enter that place where clouds are kingdoms, and planets are points on a map. The largest and most astoundingly gorgeous of visions, may be seen through her eyes. ......


SAE

current mood: melancholy

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Sunday, October 8th, 2006
1:37 pm - All that is sacred
All that is sacred


There are so many questions and statements locked up inside me. I do not feel like I can express any of them, where anyone can see them. And yet part of me wants to, very badly. A friend of mine told me that I could potentially be the downfall of the team, and I have to wonder if she realizes just how much I take to heart the things she says. From anyone else, I would take it as one of the hundreds of insults that are slung at me every day, the ones that rampage against the walls of my sense of worth, against which I must keep constant vigil, lest I fall. So, I have to wonder, if she realizes just how deeply, such things, coming from her, cut into me, and ......ask why, what is she really thinking, and do I just let it go, do my best to prove to her that I have honor and common sense, or do I ask her why she would make such a statement?

I guess all that we can do in life is to communicate our truest of feelings, in a way that is constructive and useful. I feel torn down by people every day. It seems like an accepted ritual amongst this regional society to openly insult and correct, even reprimand, the people that you consider friends. But, I..ll tell you what; to me it is like bitter gall. I can not stomach it from people. I have suffered with the demons of doubt and fear, my entire life, and have not always won the battles that rage inside me. I do not know what people see when they look at me. I know how I feel inside. I know my own intentions, which are to be the most loving and understanding person possible. But, I guess like so many of the rest, I have been conditioned to torment the people that I care about with ..polite insults... So, I am one of those people that I despise. I do that which is abhorrent to me.

It seems funny strange, not funny ha ha, that we can as human beings intend one thing, and do something completely opposite. For instance I need people near me, I need friends, and people that I can just talk to. And yet, I seem to offend people, or push them away, as if it is on purpose. Which I am sure in some cases and in some senses is completely true. I have been so devastated by the people that I love and care about, abandoning me, that it seems like I now have a built in defense mechanism to push them back. In that way I do not have a chance of connecting very deeply, or in the end being slashed open yet again. So, I play the ..wierdo, the aggressor, the one that everyone delights in making fun of.. and I stay safely alone, in my own little world, and do not have to deal with people that I do not want to deal with. And of course I still yearn to be free of this freak, and to have people that I do things with, and to be a social creature.

I guess in the end, the only opinion of me that should matter, is my own. Everyone else is out there, not inside here, where the real truth of who and what I am exists. I will continue to do my best, to show respect, in order to receive it, and to display for everyone, whose opinion matters to me, that I am a man of honor.

Edit: I have to wonder also, that in throwing all these polite insults at me, do they believe me to be so strong and impenetrabilis, that I will be able to handle it, and not feel assaulted or violated? If, that is the case, in some instances they would be right, and in others, they would most certainly be very wrong. I also have to wonder, if it is just because they think that I deserve as much, that it is my due? I guess I will never really know, nor will there be any reason to ask. Right?


Just some thoughts as I pass through this journey of Life.



~Scott

current mood: restless

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Thursday, October 5th, 2006
9:58 am - From one writer to another
ISABELLE ALLENDE

MY INVENTED COUNTRY
A Memoir


In my case, the natural unhappiness of childhood was aggravated by a mass of complexes so tangled that even today I can not list them. Fortunately, they left no wounds that time has not healed. Once I heard a famous Afro-American writer say that from the time she was a little girl she felt like a stranger in her own family and her home town. She added that nearly all writers have experienced that feeling, even if they have never left their native city. It's a condition inherent in that profession, she suggested; without the anxiety of feeling different, we wouldn't have been driven to write. Writing, when all is said and done is and attempt to understand ones own circumstance and to clarify the confusion of existence, including insecurities that do not torment normal people, only chronic nonconformists, many of whom end up as writers after having failed in other undertakings. This theory lifted a burden from my shoulders. I am not a monster; there are others like me.


I am reading her memoir, and I must say, that I had not, until this moment, read anything that so summed up for me what it is like to have so much inside, needing to get out, and having nowhere to go, until you put it on a page. I think anyone who has ever written anything, has felt like this. And to some folks this might go without saying, but, to me, in this moment, it seems so profound, and explains to me why, even in the midst of my family, and my limited circle of friends, I have, and may always continue to feel, like I am an outsider.

So, if you read this, let me know what you think on this subject?



~Scott

current mood: cold

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Tuesday, September 26th, 2006
1:38 pm - repost plus some more info you may not want to know.
Well I live and work in Madison, WI. I have been to school to become an architect. But, unfortunately I never finished my degree. In the midst of going to school, I fell in Love with a woman ten years older than me. She and I got married, and I tried to be a husband, father to her two children, Tyson 10 at the time, and Ena 15 at the time. One thing led to another, we separated our lives, she left me for the original drummer for Jethro Tull, Clive Bunker. I am currently considering how and where I can get back into school, so that I can get little pieces of paper that say I know something about building, maintaining and teaching people how to use computers. Even though I have a part time business doing this already. I am also considering attending some place like The French Culinary Institute, so that I can make my dream in life, of owning my own gourmet restaurant, more of a reality, rather than a mere fantasy. And of course I want to find out about getting back to school for architecture. What is stopping me from doing all of this you ask? Life, circumstances, my own reluctance toward upheaval and change. But, I know one thing...I need someone in my life to make me jump out of bed every day and say "Let's do this"! I am better when I have a woman in my life, someone to plan with, someone to talk to, someone to make love to, in more than just a physical sense. I need someone I can trust, and who will trust me, so that together, the world around us disappears and is reduced to only the space where we are standing, and remains that way, until we decide together to venture out, and experience as much of Love and Life as we can handle. I hope this is not too much information.

However; This should tell you pretty much everything you will need to know about where I am with relationships...


The answer to the 25 questions

1) Single or taken? Single

2) Are you happy with where you are? in life or in relationships?...No I am not happy in either respect. I imagined at this point in my life I would either be a part of or owning a design firm. I am not happy being a minion, I am not happy working with a bunch of people who do not understand me, and who I do not connect with. As far as a romantic relationship goes...I am ready to be in love, I am ready to give and receive affection, I am ready to take care of and be taken care of. I do not have anyone with whom I am currently experiencing any of this.

3) When you meet the right person,do you fall fast? I usually fall very fast, and then hesitate to make a move because I do not know if they feel the same way.

4) have you ever had your heart broken? The reason that I protect myself so much is that everyone, and I mean absolutely every fucking one that I have ever ever loved has left me to be with someone else. My heart has not only been broken but, stomped on, backed up over, reduced to fucking dust, and then blown away at 340,000,000 PSI. And still I believe that some day, a woman will care enough about me, enough about US, to try, to really try, and that love will win out over all. That as I lay in my bed, she will come for me in the dark, and bite me in the neck, and we two shall in that moment, and forever be as one.

5) Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is ok? i don't really understand trying to continue a relationship after infidelity because i have a generally held belief that if you can cheat on someone the relationship is already over. So, no fucking way, I have one simple and abiding rule in life. If you want to be with me, you be with me, without fail and without question. But, if you want to be with Him, whoever he may be, you fucking go and be with him, and do not Fucking ever expect to come back to me!
6) Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you?
No FUCKING way, Nope. Not before, not now, not in the future. NOPE!!!!!!!!!!!

7) Have you talked about marriage with another person? Yes

8) Do you want children? Yes, I want two daughters, and I want them both to speak seven languages, wear pooffy dresses and combat boots, be able to kick your fucking ass if they have to. And never in their lives think that they have to be with anyone, just so that they have someone to be with.

9) How many? I already answered that.



10) Would you consider adoption? Yes

11) If somebody liked you right now, what do you think is a cool way to let you know? honestly? I think just coming right out and telling me so would be the best thing.

12) Do you enjoy playing hard to get? no...I do not like playing games. I want honest communication.

13)Do you have a crush? i guess you could call it that

14) Do you believe love at first sight exists? i believe in connection at first sight...and yes, I think love and deep caring can follow soon thereafter.

15) Do you believe in celebrating anniversary? Yes, I think honoring your connection to another person, and celebrating it, is a very important thing to do.

16) Do you believe that you can change someone? i think people can evolve together...i don't think that you can change inherently who someone is nor should you try or want to...if you don't love them for who they are then find someone else...the world is a big place. I am going to go with the previous answer to this one. I too agree that you have to love someone right where they are and right down to the very bones of them.

17) If you could get married anywhere, money's not an object? In Italia, under the stars, in a wide open, newly harvested vineyard, with a sumptuous feast of wine, stunning food, and all the love in the world surrounding.

18) Do you believe you have feelings for someone right now? Yes, yes I do.

19) Ever wish you could've had someone, but couldn't? yes...There have been too many instances to account for, in which I have openly yearned to be with someone, and the timing was all wrong, or they simply did not feel the same way as I. So, yep....

20) Have you ever broken a heart? I do not know. I know that I have experienced folks trying to make me stay, when all I needed was to go. So, perhaps yes.

21) Would you ever fight somebody over your significant other? yes. I have as who ever in the hell 'They' are, say, been there and done that.

22) What would you say about your last ex? my most recent one? I still think of her. I know she loved me, and I know that I loved her too. But, I also know that in the end our lives grew apart, she needed to concentrate on her son, and I needed to leave, so that we could both move on, and perhaps one day, find the true state of being In Love, that we both need.

23) Has anyone ever tried to come in between your real relationships? Ummmm let us see, my first wife left with an evangelist from Texas, and my second with Clive Bunker, the original drummer for Jethro Tull. And as I stated before, anyone I have ever loved, and/or said that they loved me, has left me for greener pastures. SO, Yep!!

24) Have you ever felt betrayed by someone you've dated? Umm see above..Yep!


25)Do you Love me? I do not know how to answer this question, it depends on who is asking.


ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS AND REPOST AS:
25 Relationship Questions

I just needed to add this to the mix for posterity and because it adds to my story and I can.

current mood: frustrated

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Monday, September 25th, 2006
6:00 pm - Answer to the 25 questions
Just delete my answers and plug in your own

1) Single or taken? Single

2) Are you happy with where you are? in life or in relationships?...No I am not happy in either respect. I imagined at this point in my life I would either be a part of or owning a design firm. I am not happy being a minion, I am not happy working with a bunch of people who do not understand me, and who I do not connect with. As far as a romantic relationship goes...I am ready to be in love, I am ready to give and receive affection, I am ready to take care of and be taken care of. I do not have anyone with whom I am currently experiencing any of this.

3) When you meet the right person,do you fall fast? I usually fall very fast, and then hesitate to make a move because I do not know if they feel the same way.

4) have you ever had your heart broken? The reason that I protect myself so much is that everyone, and I mean absolutely every fucking one that I have ever ever loved has left me to be with someone else. My heart has not only been broken but, stomped on, backed up over, reduced to fucking dust, and then blown away at 340,000,000 PSI. And still I believe that some day, a woman will care enough about me, enough about US, to try, to really try, and that love will win out over all. That as I lay in my bed, she will come for me in the dark, and bite me in the neck, and we two shall in that moment, and forever be as one.

5) Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is ok? i don't really understand trying to continue a relationship after infidelity because i have a generally held belief that if you can cheat on someone the relationship is already over. So, no fucking way, I have one simple and abiding rule in life. If you want to be with me, you be with me, without fail and without question. But, if you want to be with Him, whoever he may be, you fucking go and be with him, and do not Fucking ever expect to come back to me!
6) Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you?
No FUCKING way, Nope. Not before, not now, not in the future. NOPE!!!!!!!!!!!

7) Have you talked about marriage with another person? Yes

8) Do you want children? Yes, I want two daughters, and I want them both to speak seven languages, wear pooffy dresses and combat boots, be able to kick your fucking ass if they have to. And never in their lives think that they have to be with anyone, just so that they have someone to be with.

9) How many? I already answered that.



10) Would you consider adoption? Yes

11) If somebody liked you right now, what do you think is a cool way to let you know? honestly? I think just coming right out and telling me so would be the best thing.

12) Do you enjoy playing hard to get? no...I do not like playing games. I want honest communication.

13)Do you have a crush? i guess you could call it that

14) Do you believe love at first sight exists? i believe in connection at first sight...and yes, I think love and deep caring can follow soon thereafter.

15) Do you believe in celebrating anniversary? Yes, I think honoring your connection to another person, and celebrating it, is a very important thing to do.

16) Do you believe that you can change someone? i think people can evolve together...i don't think that you can change inherently who someone is nor should you try or want to...if you don't love them for who they are then find someone else...the world is a big place. I am going to go with the previous answer to this one. I too agree that you have to love someone right where they are and right down to the very bones of them.

17) If you could get married anywhere, money's not an object? In Italia, under the stars, in a wide open, newly harvested vineyard, with a sumptuous feast of wine, stunning food, and all the love in the world surrounding.

18) Do you believe you have feelings for someone right now? Yes, yes I do.

19) Ever wish you could've had someone, but couldn't? yes...There have been too many instances to account for, in which I have openly yearned to be with someone, and the timing was all wrong, or they simply did not feel the same way as I. So, yep....

20) Have you ever broken a heart? I do not know. I know that I have experienced folks trying to make me stay, when all I needed was to go. So, perhaps yes.

21) Would you ever fight somebody over your significant other? yes. I have as who ever in the hell 'They' are, say, been there and done that.

22) What would you say about your last ex? my most recent one? I still think of her. I know she loved me, and I know that I loved her too. But, I also know that in the end our lives grew apart, she needed to concentrate on her son, and I needed to leave, so that we could both move on, and perhaps one day, find the true state of being In Love, that we both need.

23) Has anyone ever tried to come in between your real relationships? Ummmm let see, my first wife left with an evangelist from Texas, and my second with Clive Bunker, the original drummer for Jethro Tull. And as I stated before, anyone I have ever loved, and/or said that they loved me, has left me for greener pastures. SO, Yep!!

24) Have you ever felt betrayed by someone you've dated? Umm see above..Yep!


25)Do you Love me? I do not know how to answer this question, it depends on who is asking.


ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS AND REPOST AS:
25 Relationship Questions

current mood: lonely

(comment on this)

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